Reclaiming my Choice

wowowowWOWOWOWOWOW! Am I really going to post THIS? I warn you all ahead of time it will be about sex, and that although open to feedback, I am SO happy and feel so free, and yet I imagine it may not resonate with everyone. I’m ok with that, in sharing it it FEELS more real to me.
SO I stopped at a store to grab some water and cashews for breakfast, on the way to get my h…air done, the clerk was VERY cute, and we both began flirting, along with snacks, it also happened to be a pipe store and we both commented how most of the pipes look like little penis’s, and then he laughed and pulled out one that doubled as a dildo, and we continued flirting for a few minutes, then he introduced himself and reached across to give me a handshake, I offered a hug, so he came around the counter and hugged me, and asked if I was straight? I being the open person I am, talked about how gender makes no difference to me, it’s all in the energy, and how I’m all about open relating, he leaned forward and kissed me, and it was HOT! but he also touched my breast, and all of my childhood trauma came up and I danced away and said I needed to get going to my hairdresser, he invited me to come back after.
I flee-ed…..
Many of you know I was sexually assulted many times growing up, I have always been ultra sensitive to sexual energy, and even with all of my growth it is so easy to slip into “victim” What is he doing to me ” mode. Through most of my sexual trauma, the main thing that stuck is that it felt good, I felt so guilty for the parts I liked, felt bad about my own extreme sexual nature, and felt like I could have stopped it at any time, fuck, 3 of my attackers said they would stop if anything didn’t feel good, and I shamed myself, decided I WaS bad, because at 7, 8 and 10 I did not say, “stop”.
The worst abuse was oral forced on me and if I made any noise or tried to get away, he would cover my nose too, and my breath and voice were literally taken away.
Well after I left the shop, the entire time that Fred is doing my hair, I am thinking of this encounter, feeling all the residual guilt, shame, and ways I have still shrunk my pleasure, still put a stop to most sexual encounters, unless it is in a controlled enviornment (I have been blessed and gone out of my way to create MANY such enviornments, but controlled none the less)
So I turn to Fred as he is washing my hair and tell him what just happened and what I am fantasizing about and he smiles and shares a great story with me about his own life.
I realized there wasn’t really any part of me that was interested in being a victim any more, I was totally turned on, and I wanted to go back and shut the store door, lock it and say, “I get the feeling you want to fuck, am I correct in my assumption” and see what it would be like to initiate back instead of closing down because I felt like something “was happening” to me.
I also had all of my “slut” stories come roaring out of the closet, that how would this be sacred, spiritual, how did it coincide with ALL aspects of me, am I really ok being one who wants to be fucked behind a store counter by a complete stranger, (a gorgeous stranger, who was totally into me, but stranger none the less)
Fred encouraged me to go for it, come check in with him after, I had also texted a lover, who also said “Go for it”
so as I left the hair salon, my heart is pounding, I almost just slip away into my car, but I took one step after another and found myself in front of him and the cash register.
He smiled, I smiled back, and said my line…. he smiled bigger, got the keys and locked the door.
we went around to the back, I set up a chair, had him sit down, while we had the safer sex elevator speech, I just happened to have a few condoms in my purse, I took three out and had him pick which one he wanted, and then traded him spots, LOVED orchastrating exactly how we would do it, and it was the some of the hottest sex I have ever experienced!! I left there feeling like the most powerful woman in the world, he was SO happy
I had reclaimed my body, my pleasure, my voice, really let the old victim piece that has followed me in every aspect of my life slip even further away…
This is my body, my choice, and I joyously say “YES” Hell YES to continuing to find my voice…
In writing it here, it drops even more story that I would ever have to hide it, that you would think less of me if you knew, I am telling you in my most delighted bliss, I am not ashamed, and I am not saying if you have been victimized go do what I just did, what I am hoping in that in sharing my journey, ALL the scary, crazy parts too, that it will give you permission to find that thing or things that will help you be able to lay the victim story down, reclaim your voice, your power, your body, YOU!!
We all have the great honor to shine and BE US, our own unique self 110%
Today, I said yes to something that peeled back 30 years of shame and silence and victimhood and I am so proud, giddy, and excited for what may come.
Thank you for letting me share.

Pirate’s Cove

I LOVE feeling THIS free! enjoying the rocks and the cool water as the waves come in and glide back out. Loving the feel of the sun on all my favorite parts, love loving ALL my parts……. There is such a big playground filled with delight as we can embrace every curve, every wrinkle, every beautiful piece of our bodies that does SO much for us….

It is the greatest reframe of my life, I believe, that me, my body, could never be “not enough” or “too much” because I CAN only be me. and I love the me that I am soooo much!! Feeling blessed and filled with gratitude.

I LOVE ME!!! I love life, I love making love to the sun, water, rocks, clouds, the universe, such a great day!!! Thank you thank you thank you.

The invisible truce

For far too long I have held an invisible truce with most people in my life, I will smile and be nice to you, give more than I take, be more pleasant than grumpy, keep my intensity to short spurts so as not overwhelm you, continuously find new ways to relate, connect, meet you in your life, the silent truce part came in is as I have discovered I was holding you to doing the same in return, that in somehow not rocking the boat to hard, changing our relating too much, being flexible and bendable enough, you would do/be the same………
I release the truce, I am now going to show up crying, angry, grumpy, as well as completely out of this world blissed, joy filled, loving without abandon, delighted, giggling, and everything in between, completely different from moment to moment, sometimes not being willing to bend, sometimes asking for much more than I can ever return, able to renegotiate “commitments” “ways of relating” even rules or ways we have met in life as new avenues/realizations open up.
I want room to expand, to break as many or as few patterns as I am feeling brave enough to break…
Most of all as I begin to offer myself all of these new “options” I am excited/terrified to be able to offer them to you as well.
I believe that on the other side of letting the “invisible truce” go, we will only love each other more, but what I am most afraid of is will we still “like” one another?
I am willing to step off this ledge…. are you?
banish the truces, the patterns, the have to’s, the part of me that still abandons myself out of fear of you abandoning me, I want to be free, you to be free, and meet from our own truest essence
PS as part of this, I also give us permission to be clumsy as we dance in and out of the “truce” we have played in our whole lives, there is NOTHING that has to happen all at once

Let’s Talk About Sex

SEX! We all think about it, are intrigued by it, write about it, talk about it, are in awe, and sometimes terrified of it. For me, I have had an endless curiosity of it since I was 6 or 7 years old. It was never allowed to be discussed about at my house, through our church, or at school, so of course me being Monique, I got even MORE curious and began to think out of the box to be able to explore what it meant to me. I had a “favorite” beanbag chair, my friends and I would build into a pillar{an erection) and would take tuns running and jumping on it, I drew a picture of a couple making love in art class one day and was immediately sent to the principals office, repremanded both there and at home, but I wanted to know more! At eight two things happened.. I was baptized into the religion I had grown up with, which meant all of my sins up to that point had been washed away, the very next week, I was over playing at a neighbors house, a place I had played over at for 6 months, with a nice man, who played a more constant father figure to me than the constant men my mom was dating, who would come in and out of my life. Well this particular day, our neighbor asked if I wanted to play a game, I loved games and said yes, we went into his closet where he proceeded to tell me, he was going to try some things and would stop at any time if it didn’t feel good. For the next half hour (which felt MUCH longer) he proceeded to touch my genitals through my clothing and eventually inside of my underwear. It felt uncomfortable, weird, but also kind of good, and afterwards he gave me the biggest bowl of candy I had ever seen and told me not to tell or he wouldn’t get to play with me any more. He moved away the following week, but for the next year, I had even more intense feelings, I found out through church what masturbation was, and that it was a sin to do it, learned NO one was suppose to touch our privates until we are married, this on top of knowing I was already baptized, so this sin was on me. and so much blame because not only had I not “stopped” the encounter by saying it didn’t feel good, a part of me had liked it, so what did that mean about me. I finally told my mom at the incident a little before my 10th birthday, she did not handle it well, I realize now, she felt bad she had not been able to protect me, but at that time it felt like she blamed me and was angry with me, that it was more reason that I was “bad”. That year I and my sister were horribly molested, made to give a babysitter blowjobs, while his wife stood guard with the other children they tended. My voice and breath were literally taken away, by my nose being covered, while my mouth was jammed full, if I made any noice, cried, or even breathed too loudly. It was another “example” that my intense curiosity around sex, and my deep longing inside to feel the pleasure that I knew was there only made me prey and “bad” grew deeper.

Through out the next few years, as a few of my friends actually had “sex” as I heard what an orgasm was, I wanted one!! But also being the “good girl” wanting God’s and my mom’s approval, I wasnt going to have sex, masturbate or in anyway do something bad, it left the land of dreams and energetics. I began to pray for an orgasm while I slept, and after 6 months, I began having intensely sexual dreams where I would wake up in the midst of the most mind blowing pleasure radiating from my genitals through out my entire body, I reveled in it, but also felt like I must be the most horrible person in the whole world, I was now tempting God to have sex with me and he was!!

I began to experience orgasms at school, climbing the rope in gym class, doing leg exercises at track, sitting in the grass on a warm summer day enjoying the feel of the earth under my dress, feeling like the most lucly girl in the world and also the most “bad”

I was almost gang raped by a car full of “good” church boys, I was raped by my first two boyfriends, and was constantly blamed by my mom, by the,. by the church, that it was my fault for being too sexualized, but I had only ever agreed to kiss them, I said “no” I was following the rules, but was convinced it was my highly sensitized energy/turn on, my having sex with God and the universe that was making people out of control. and tried to stop all of it from flowing through me.

I got married at 18, to a man who later turned out to be gay, but again, I was made wrong for wanting to be so sexual, he would hang out with his make friends, be constantly masturbating, but rarely wanted me which I blamed on my pregnancy and later on myself, he eventually took out his frustration as physical abuse on I and our 1 yr old son, so I left. 2 years later I married again, to an amazing man, SO excited because at long last I could explore this world of SEX, within the rules….. On our honeymoon, I offered myself as a “prostitute” do anything and everything he had ever wanted to do, (he was a virgin, only ever kissed a girl before meeting me) for the next two weeks we tried everything!! I had my first orgasm during sex, dared to ask for and try all the things I had read and written about, but he felt guilty, he wasnt really a yes, and later that month I had to go before our bishop, the church again, and was repremanded AGAIN, basically told I had raped my husband, I was too sexual, to go home and be a good wife, and do “it” (sex) the right way. After that it hurt any time he penetrated me, especially anytime he ejaculated inside of me, and I knew at my core I was BAD! 10 years later, I found out that the movable showerhead could give me intense joy/pleasure and that my husband enjoyed masturbating with me in the shower, and it began to open us up to one another again physically, one day I even dared to get onto the chat room I knew he frequently chatted on and pretended to be a lesbian from California who had tips for him to try with his wife….. he did, I felt guilty for using a fake name, and shut myself down again for awhile, but a few years later I was introduced to Cuddle Party, and a man named Reid Mihalko. Cuddle parties were completely non sexual, but within their safe frame works I began to find and reclaim my voice, began to be able to ask for touch again, began to meet people “like me” began to imagine there was a possibility, I was not “bad” In my very first session with Reid, the thing that intrigued me most, is he warned me that some people had experienced orgasms just by being in his proximity, and that he wanted to check in with me about that, and let me talk to him about what that could or could not mean. OH MY GOSH, other people experienced climaxs without having “sex” without getting naked, it was so freeing for me!! He later introduced me to the Poly and the Tantra crowd, I began my own road of sexual reclaimation of open relating, of finding ways that I could choose my sexual expression. For the past 7 years I have been a kid in a candy store, picky about who I connect with, but if I was a yes, I was a “hell yes” and put so much pressure on the few people in my life I felt safe and wanted to explore with, that sex still meant so much to me, and I was still afraid of truly asking for ALL I wanted. Last year, my NO was again not honored by a lover, a trusted peer, as he had “sleep sex” with me, and so much of my old story came up, but now, 14 months later, I am sooooo finally in my power! I get that there are very few people I want to actually share my body with, but that I LOVE to run sexual energy, and there are A LOT of people happy to do JUST that! I have stopped making myself “bad” for any of my feelings, desires, and have found a place of gratitude of awe for the “super hero” powers I have developed over the years of being able to energetically cum in SO many ways, able to teach that skill to soo many, in such fun ways, allowing myself to experience more and more pleasure, to live in a realm where that is a gift!!! I feel safe asking for what I want, constantly inviting, expanding my imagination for even deeper desires, without attaching meaning to a No, so my lovers no longer feel “pressure” Loving dancing in the anticipation, the sexual tension and build up, and my favorite “power” of all…. being able to lick a willing “victim” and having their body “tell” me everything they want to try, to experience in that moment. “SEX” has become the ultimate playground for me, because I trust myself, I love myself, I am sooo utterly full, and happily accepting all my parts, it isa pleasure to invite another to come play here with me in whatever ways feel comfortable and amazing to us both. I LOVE talking about it! Love experiencing it in all its shapes and colors I share all of this, in hopes that if any of this touches you, rings true for you, opens new spaces inside of you, that you will heed the call, that we are not alone, that we deserve, it is our birthright to experience sex/sexuality on OUR terms, it IS OK to feel good! YOU are more than enough exactly as you are! and I love you just as I love ME, more because of it. Lets talk about this stuff….. I know I am

Circle of Mirrors

EPIC long share a coming….It’s 4 AM (My body thinks it’s 6)plus early morning is when I seem to have the most courage to share the deep stuff that STILL terrifies me to press “post” so time for another post from this last trip……

Saturday morning….. after 3 days of intense introspection, deep processing, Eugene Hedlund and I each inspiring the other to more fully walk our talk, feel the uncomfortable, BE in this moment…. Saturday was the class we cocreated over 2 years ago that has been evolving with us. This particular morning, every person in the circle had a deep share they opened up and told the group, when it got to me, I took a breath and took off my “teacher” mask and went to the places that still terrify me most, shared what was brewing, in REAL time, with attendees of a playshop I was facilitating, without editing, speaking my vulnerability instead of waiting til I got home to write and put it out there on FB. They held me, and then we moved on as I gave them tools, and led them all morning through DEEP invitations to unpeel layers, and feel and hold themselves, witness one another in whatever came up, without fixing, trying to shift, or really anything but witnessing and FEELING.

After lunch it was Eugene’s turn, he began “The Circle of Mirrors” the thing I want to train on and be able to offer the world, sheer genius work….. and lo and behold halfway through the circle, I began to feel the burning that it was my turn to go in the center. As many times as he and I have led this, I have only felt called to go in the center a couple of times, and each one has been profound, but it is always an edge for me, not wanting to take another’s turn, and wondering what will come of stepping into my own deepest “unspoken truth”

Well I waited, the entire circle waited for many LONG minutes and NO on else was entering the circle, Cathleene Cienfuegos and Eugene kept looking at me, it felt like the whole world was shining a spotlight on me, so I finally jumped up and stepped into the center.

My first “voice” was “I don’t want to take up sooo much space, I never want it to be the Monique show!” mmmmmm Eugene grabbed that one and asked for a volunteer to hold THAT so we could get to what was underneath, someone stepped forward, circling the circle, singing, “I don’t want to take up sooo much space, I never want it to be the Monique show” and Eugene asked me if I was willing to let her hold that piece for me, just for a little while, so we could see what was underneath, I agreed, and almost instantly what came through was…. “I want it to be easy” and as we refined it, the actual voice was, “I want to be easy” (for as long as I can remember, I have stepped into the role of bridging gaps, finding the peace, finding joy in helping others find compromise, compassion, but somewhere it had become if I’m not “easy” easy to read, to get along with, to relate with, to teach with, you might leave) so Eugene asked someone to step in and hold that spot….. “I want to be easy”….. while voice #1 is still walking around the circle, “I don’t want to take up so much space, I never want it to be the Monique show” and Eugene walked me closer to the middle, “what’s under those, Monique?”

It took me a minute to identify what was bubbling up, but what came through was the most radiant voice/feeling of all…. “I am God!” twirling around, I repeated it again and again, feeling the truth that in that moment, I WAS God completely! and Eugene asked someone to step in for THIS piece of me so we could get to what was under that too. Cathleene was happy to hold that piece….

The next place was harder, my entire body wanted to just stay with the feeling and place of BEing God, but Eugene led me away, had all my “voices” who were now happening outside of my head speak louder and louder until the next voice showed up…….. “It IS All about me” I said as I danced and swayed and touched myself all over, afraid to share/feel that truth, hear that voice, well even before Eugene could ask for someone to step forward, another part of our circle jumped up and jumped in to hold that space for me.

The next space I dropped to the ground, my entire heart/body/soul resisted going deeper, Eugene kept pushing, asking me what was underneath that, and I tensed up, I cried, my entire being held back, stuck here, and Eugene wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t let me melt away, stick with THIS amount of truth, he had my voices YELL, each one saying their part, asking me relentlessly what was underneath, he said these voices are circling around ALL of the time inside, right now I get to hear them outside of me, “WHAT IS UNDERNEATH?”

and as I slid to the ground it came to me, “I am the gift, please take me just the way I am, god/devil, ALL of me” (In feeling and embracing the full spectrum I am living my teachings, my truth, the voices/tapes/stories no longer have control behind the scenes)

And Eugene asked someone to step forward and hold THAT spot….

The last voice, the one underneath all the rest was simply, delightfully, delicious it whispered and then roared…”I don’t need permission” “I don’t NEED PERMISSION”

and in that moment as I turned around and got to see all of my parts/voices and then go interact with each one, I felt more FREE than I ever have before.

In the closing circle each part thanked me for allowing them the opportunity to get to play “that role” especially the man who held, “It’s all about me” he said he has never dared to feel THAT, and it was soooo healing and beautiful for him.

It has changed me, I am so thankful for Eugene and for this process. It is no longer just words……. “I am the gift”